


Late-Blooming

by TeamSharma



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-21 07:33:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/897587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamSharma/pseuds/TeamSharma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for Sweetjamielee’s “The ‘Plan B’ Summer 2013 TGW Ficathon.<br/>Prompt (by bepatientimadoc/justlovetb):<br/>Alicia/Kalinda: Old age</p>
            </blockquote>





	Late-Blooming

**Author's Note:**

> _This was written for Sweetjamielee’s “The ‘Plan B’ Summer 2013 TGW Ficathon._
> 
> _PROMPT (by bepatientimadoc aka justlovetb): Alicia/Kalinda: Old age._
> 
> _TITLE: Late-Blooming._
> 
> _Since I’m not a native speaker I couldn’t have posted this little story without the help of my two wonderful beta-readers **Sarah** and **randomizer**. Thank you both sooo much!_
> 
> _Copyright of The Good Wife is owned by Scott Free productions, King Size productions and CBS Television Studios. I respectfully borrowed the characters and promise to put them back undamaged._

“Tyler, can you hold on a second?“ Alicia put her cell phone under her chin and nodded at the guy in blue uniform, who reached wordlessly for her passport. He opened it with a practiced move and typed something into his computer without looking at her. 

“Have a nice stay, Ma’am.” He handed her back the passport and waved forward the woman next in line.

“Thank you.” Alicia put her passport back into her handbag and grabbed her suitcase. “Okay, I’m back, Tyler,” she spoke into the phone squeezed in between ear and shoulder. “Can you tell your father that I won’t be finished before 8:00 P.M.?“

“Yes, no problem.” Alicia smiled when her grandson cleared his throat. His voice was breaking and he sounded a lot like Zach did at his age. “Dad’ll pick you up at the convention center a little after eight, if that’s okay. Are you in New York already?” 

“Yes, I’m at the airport right now.” Alicia almost had to shout into the phone because a group of Scandinavian tourists almost ran her over. “I have to hang up now. Please, tell everybody hi from me.”

“I will. Is your speech today or tomorrow?”

“No, it’s today and I really have to hang up now. But I’m looking forward to seeing you all tonight.”

“Me too. Good luck at the conference, Granny!”

It was a warm spring day in New York and Alicia had to blink against the morning sun when she stepped out of the airport. She would have loved to stay for longer than three days but she and Cary were swamped at home and if it hadn’t been for the speech, she would have cancelled the conference at the last minute. May had been so busy so far that Alicia had only prepared her speech last night, and on the plane she had still been working on the last slides. She hated doing things at the last minute, but lately it had become the rule rather than the exception. A few months ago she had already talked to Cary about her idea of stepping back from work a little, but they hadn’t agreed on a practical way to go about this yet.

Cary had teased her about the fact that she hadn’t been asked to talk about a legal topic but about personnel management again. Who would have thought that their firm would win a prize for that one day? But it did, two times actually. The first years after the founding of their firm had been incredibly hard, but eventually they had gained a foothold; now they had about a hundred employees. From the beginning, they had tried to give them fair working conditions, though Alicia didn’t think that really made them exceptional. Nevertheless, today was the third time she had been invited to talk about her concept for female lawyers with children, and since it was good for their firm’s reputation she had agreed to attend. 

Alicia suppressed a yawn when she sat down in the cab and gave the driver the address to the convention center. She was definitely too old for five hours of sleep and her back was hurting from the hours of sitting at her desk last night. The uncomfortable seat didn’t make it any better, but fortunately the drive didn’t last long and Alicia even had some time to take a walk around the block before the conference’s 10:00 A.M start time. It was about seventy degrees outside and Alicia inhaled deeply when the smell of blossoming lime trees wafted up to her nostrils. For a moment, she considered skipping the mayor’s introductory speech, but since she had to sit in the first row with the other speakers her absence would be too obvious. So she reluctantly turned around and walked back to the convention center where crowds of lawyers in expensive suits already filled the hallway. 

Alicia was about to go straight to her seat, but as soon as she entered the conference room she was surrounded by a crowd. Though her days as the First Lady of Illinois were long gone, many people still remembered her and everybody seemed to have a reason to talk to her, regardless of the fact that she didn’t even know these people. Sometimes she wondered if there would ever be a time again when she could enter a room completely unnoticed. 

With a polite smile, Alicia responded patiently to the questions and made small talk until she was released by the host’s first words into the microphone. In less than thirty seconds everybody was seated and Alicia silently greeted her seat neighbours -- two professors she knew from other conferences -- and glanced at her cell phone one last time before turning it off. Cary wouldn’t be in court today so their employees could ask him when they had any questions. Exhausted, Alicia leaned back in her chair and concentrated her attention on the mayor of NYC. Until her speech at 3:15 P.M. she didn’t have anything else to do other than just sit here and listen to the other speakers. 

The conference turned out to be more interesting than Alicia had expected, mainly because some of the participants were young, combative lawyers with a very provocative view on the American law system. Besides, Alicia managed to make a few important contacts during lunch break which would benefit her firm. She had never liked this, the small talks and the whole ‘see and be seen’ at conferences, but it was unavoidable in a position like hers. Nonetheless, she couldn’t wait to sit on Zach’s comfortable sofa in a few hours and talk to people who really meant something to her. 

“She has headed a law firm for about twenty years now, was the First Lady of Illinois from 2013 to 2021, and now she will tell us her secret on how she raised two kids with this double and triple burden. And of course, she will tell us about her exemplary concept for female lawyers with families that she implements in her own firm.” The host turned to Alicia with a smile. “Please, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome Alicia Florrick!”

The applause left no doubt that Alicia’s appearance was considered one of the highlights of this conference and the faces in the audience revealed appreciation and admiration. Nevertheless she felt slightly nervous when she entered the stage. Though she had given endless speeches as Illinois’ First Lady, she felt a little out of practice by now and it took her a few moments to get back into her routine. The familiar feeling of the lectern under her fingers helped as well as the sight of the first slide on the screen. 

Alicia hadn’t planned to talk about her own experience as a mother and attorney but now that the host had announced it she had to at least say a few words about her years at Lockhart & Gardner and later the foundation of Florrick, Agos & Associates. She didn’t go into detail though, for she had never liked to talk about personal issues in public, much less about the most difficult years of her life. 

“It’s still a challenge to be a working mother these days.” Alicia pointed at her first chart. “Meyer, Sievers et al. surveyed the general income of female lawyers -- mothers and non-mothers -- over the first fifteen years of their careers in the United States.” She pointed at the different courses of the two curves and turned to the audience again. “You can see a significant drop at … at …” Alicia felt her body’s reaction before she could recognize the cause. Something was wrong, and it had to do with the black shock of hair next to the young guy in the Calvin Klein suit. Was that…? No, it couldn’t be… 

Alicia turned back to the screen and tried to remember her last sentence. “You can see a significant drop at the age of 29,” she continued. “Which is the average age for having a first child in America. Lawyers are no different in this respect.” It couldn’t be. It was too far away to see and she hadn’t caught more than a glimpse of the hairdo. “And here you have four single curves: mothers with one, two, three or four children. It’s visible that mothers with more than one child can never make up for their income loss during their first years of motherhood. In nine times out of ten, it’s a career setback they can’t catch up in their whole working life.” How often had she imagined seeing that face somewhere in the crowd, again and again for years, but it had always been somebody else, so this wouldn’t be any different, would it? 

But then … for a fraction of a second the head moved, and Alicia glimpsed a forehead, an eye, a nose, and her heart pounded in her chest when she averted her gaze and smiled at the audience. “My partner and I don’t put up with any kind of discrimination in our firm, which is the main reason why we try to make fair offers to our female employees. “ Alicia was glad she knew the next slides by heart. Hours and hours she and Cary had discussed their firm’s policy, but in the end they had both been satisfied with the result. It was easy to explain the process to the audience and tell them what had worked and what hadn’t. So time flew and the attentive audience members helped Alicia through the rest of her speech, though a part of her mind was busy with something entirely else. 

At the end of her speech, when cordial applause showered down on her, Alicia took a few steps forward, closer to the crowd, and suddenly she felt them, the dark eyes resting on her, and she raised her head and met them. 

In retrospect, Alicia couldn’t really say what had happened next. There had been at least two more speakers, but she hadn’t heard a word of what they had been saying. As soon as the host closed the discussion and asked the attendees to join the upcoming workshops, Alicia got up from her chair and swiftly wound her way through the crowd towards the last rows. Kalinda was still there, standing next to the young guy with her back to her, but Alicia wondered whether she had been waiting for her. Kalinda’s clothing style was a bit different, no boots, and Alicia detected several strands of gray hair in the black locks, but otherwise her former colleague looked almost the same, apart from some subtle wrinkles and a few more pounds that suited her well. 

“Kalinda?” It felt so strange to say the name after all these years. 

“Hi Alicia.” Kalinda turned around now and looked at her. “I liked your speech.”

“Thank you.” Alicia smiled and tried to remember how to have a normal conversation. For some reason she couldn’t find anything useful in her brain, so she just stood there and hoped Kalinda would help her with this. She had always helped her, hadn’t she?

“Look, we have to go to our workshop.” Kalinda pointed at the young guy. “But…”

“Are you going to the dinner tonight?” Alicia asked hastily. She hadn’t signed up for the restaurant because Zach’s family was expecting her, but maybe he would understand if she cancelled their dinner and visited him later tonight.

“No, I’m not.” Kalinda shook her head. “But how about the corner bar? After the workshops?”

“Good.” Alicia nodded, equally relieved and horrified. What was she supposed to talk about with Kalinda in a bar? They couldn’t do small-talk all night and Kalinda would look right through her anyway, like she had always done. 

“Okay, then it’s settled.” Kalinda smiled. “See you there.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

After one of the most boring workshops she had ever participated in, Alicia sat down in the bar opposite the convention center and ordered two shots of Tequila. The place was crowded and she was lucky to grab two bar stools at the counter. Since there were already more people than seats in the rooms, the bartender had agreed to take her suitcase onto his side of the counter and Alicia was glad that she wouldn’t need to keep an eye on it all the time. 

It was one of those modern bars that looked more like a sushi place and Alicia didn’t like the style of the black furniture at all. It had been years since she had last entered a bar, and she felt unpleasantly out of place here. Apart from the drunken old fellow at the other side of the counter, she was probably the oldest person here, but she was too nervous to worry about these things. All she could think of was the person that would soon come through this ugly door and bring back bittersweet memories.

Right after the workshop Alicia had called Zach to cancel their dinner. As she had assumed, he immediately understood and promised to pick her up from the bar as soon as she called him again. “I’m sure you two have a lot to catch up on,” he had said, and Alicia had felt his words like a punch in the gut. Yes, there was a lot to catch up on, but she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to. Probably Kalinda wasn't sure either - a nervous glance at Alicia's watch indicated that she was already fifteen minutes late. Maybe Kalinda wouldn’t come after all. 

But Kalinda came and sat down next to Alicia on the bar stool as though no time had passed. She smiled when she noticed the full Tequila glass in front of her and pushed it gently back to Alicia. ”I’d better have a beer,” she explained. “My body doesn’t seem to like Tequila anymore lately.”

Alicia nodded, knowingly. “Yeah, mine neither. I just thought … you know …”

“Yeah, thank you.” Kalinda ordered two beers for them. “You haven’t changed much, Alicia.” 

There it was again, the intense look of the dark eyes that Alicia never would have expected to see again. In fact she had never tried to find Kalinda, though she hadn’t ever stopped thinking about her. She couldn’t say what had kept her from looking for her -- maybe it was shame or guilt, or just her tendency to avoid complications. “Well, here’s to hair dye and gyms,” she said dryly, not sure if Kalinda’s words were meant as a compliment.

“No, I really mean it.” Kalinda turned to take their beers from the bartender, an athletic blonde guy in his thirties, and Alicia involuntarily wondered if she still seduced people to get information. The exotic beauty was still there, just in a different way, more mature maybe, and certainly less obvious. Kalinda had always had this unique, charismatic aura around her, a strange mixture of mystery, beauty, aloofness and seduction, and Alicia could still feel it in her presence. It actually made her relax a bit for it felt strangely familiar.

Kalinda had changed clothes: she was wearing a black dress now that accentuated her tanned skin and Alicia noticed two rings on her fingers (no wedding band), but the necklace, the golden horseshoe, was still the same. Alicia assumed it was connected to a family member, maybe Leela’s mother or father or a sibling. Nobody wore jewellery over decades when it didn’t have a special meaning to them, but Alicia had never considered it appropriate to ask.

Quietly, Alicia sipped at her beer and tried to cover up the tension she felt. She knew it was time to start a conversation but all the contradicting feelings inside of her made it difficult to think straight. It was so good to see Kalinda again and Alicia felt the urge to just hug her and tell her that she had missed her, but at the same time Kalinda’s presence reminded her of all the mistakes they had made, both of them. 

“So you and Cary are pretty successful in Chicago, aren’t you?” Kalinda’s voice was calm but non-committal, as if she was talking to a witness. 

“Yes, I think we’re doing a pretty good job, to be honest.” Alicia had to pause because a guest had pushed himself between their stools and leaned over the counter to order two Vodkas. She smiled involuntarily when Kalinda kicked him in the shin and asked him to order his beverages elsewhere. “But I’m trying not to work as much as I used to,” Alicia continued and leaned a little bit closer to Kalinda to prevent further incidents.

“Is something wrong? Are you thinking of retiring?”

“No, I still like my work.” It was just that she had woken up one day and asked herself when she would spend the money she earned. What’s the point of working hard if you don’t have time to enjoy your life? You never know how long your body will play along. 

Kalinda nodded. “So you decided to work less and have more free time?”

“Yes, kind of.” Alicia grabbed a few beer mats from a pile and started building a house on the counter. It did her hands good to have something to do, and it gave her time to think. “That’s a good plan for my age, isn’t it?”

“It’s a great plan, but would Cary agree?” Kalinda observed Alicia’s work with a slightly amused smile. Of course she could do it better and quicker, but she was too tactful to let Alicia know that.

Alicia frowned when her shaky construction collapsed and she had to start all over again. “He’s younger than I am and we have some very promising lawyers at our firm who can take over some of the work I’m doing. Cary doesn’t have anything against a new name partner, on the contrary, it would breathe new life into the firm, which we would both appreciate.”

“Yeah, I heard. His wife, for instance.”

Alicia looked up from her beer mats and stared at Kalinda. “How do you know that?”

She shrugged. “Just … rumors.”

“From whom?”

“I thought you knew.”

Alicia still stared at her in disbelief. Why did Kalinda know what was going on in her law firm? She didn’t even live in Chicago anymore. “I asked Cary if he wanted his wife to join our firm,” she explained. “But he said it wouldn’t look good to have him as a boss and his wife as an employee, which is true.”

“And you haven’t talked about her as a possible name partner?” 

“No, I mean, that would be out of the question for me. Would you agree to own a firm together with a married couple?”

“Certainly not.”

“See. That’s what I mean.” Alicia sighed. “I put a lot of effort in supporting and promoting young lawyers in our firm, and I didn’t do it to have Cary’s wife as the third partner.”

“Maybe you should talk to him about it before things happen behind your back.”

Alicia took a sip from her beer and felt the cool liquid running down her throat. She and Cary were such a great team, he wouldn’t dare deceive her like that, or would he? “You think he wants to get rid of me?”

“He probably just wants to have his wife at his side, which is understandable.”

“Then why doesn’t he talk to me?” Alicia shook her head about the surreal situation. They hadn’t seen each other for decades, but somehow it was as if Kalinda had never left. “What are you doing these days?” she asked with genuine interest. “Was that guy a colleague of yours?”

“Yes. I’m working for the NYPD.”

“For the NYPD?” Alicia raised her eyebrows. “Do they pay you enough?”

Kalinda shrugged. “It’s okay for now. I won’t stay long.”

“Why not?”

“I’m considering going back to Toronto.” 

Alicia nodded and took another sip of her beer to cover her surprise. She wished she didn’t care if Kalinda left the U.S. or not, but for some reason she did. “Why did you leave Chicago?”

“Does it matter? It was twenty years ago.”

“Of course it matters,” Alicia objected, more harshly than she had intended. “Suddenly you were gone …”

Kalinda snorted quietly, shaking her head. 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You think I didn’t care?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Alicia, let’s be honest here.” Kalinda put her glass on the counter and turned towards her. “You didn’t give a damn about me. All you cared about was getting away from Will and saving your marriage with Peter. You cared about your new firm, and being the First Lady of Illinois, and being a good mother.”

Kalinda’s voice was neutral but Alicia could hear the bitterness underneath. And Kalinda was right. At that time, Alicia had felt so uncomfortable and overwhelmed by her life that she hadn’t cared about anything else than herself. She hadn’t talked to Kalinda when she had decided to leave Lockhart & Gardner and she had never called her afterwards, except when it was about a case. “I didn’t handle things well, I know that,” she admitted.

“Yeah.” 

Kalinda nipped silently on her beer and for a moment none of them spoke. 

“I’m sorry, Kalinda.” Alicia said eventually. “Cary had actually told me that you would be coming with us, and suddenly it was Robyn, and I didn’t think …”

“Honestly Alicia, I don’t care what you thought,” Kalinda interrupted her. “You wanted to know why I didn’t call you and I answered your question.” 

Alicia was appalled by the coldness in her voice and she knew it was best to change the topic. “I’m sorry that I didn’t fight for our friendship,” she said quietly. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

“I know.”

“The irony is …” Alicia took a deep breath. “That Peter and I are divorcing.”

Kalinda raised her head and looked at her blankly.

“I know I’m working too much,” Alicia said tonelessly, talking more to herself than to Kalinda. “I know that, but I didn’t … I never would have thought that he …” She stopped and blinked a tear away when a wave of pictures threatened to overwhelm her. “That he would actually do that again to me …”

Alicia closed her eyes to keep the tears from falling when she suddenly felt a comforting hand on her arm. “I’m sorry, Alicia.”

“I was so wrong, Kalinda.” Alicia covered her face with her hand and tried to breathe. “I couldn’t hate him, I just couldn’t. He was the father of my kids and I loved him, so I turned all my anger on you.”

“I know.” Kalinda took her hand away and Alicia’s arm missed it immediately. “It’s okay.”

Alicia shook her head, thinking of all the things she would do differently today. She didn’t regret her time at Lockhart & Gardner, nor did she regret the founding of her own firm with Cary. But she regretted that she had lost her way somewhere along the journey, when success and power had become more important than humanity, when hate and pride had become more important than friendship, and when making money had become more important than spending time with her loved ones. “Come back to Chicago,” she said suddenly. “Join our firm, Kalinda. We could use an excellent investigator.”

Kalinda smiled. “Why would I do that?”

“We would pay you well. And you would be among friends.” Alicia paused when Kalinda didn’t respond. “You don’t want to work for us?” she asked cautiously.

“No.”

“Why not? We can double what you get here from the NYPD and we can double whatever they offer you in Toronto.”

“Thank you, Alicia.” Kalinda turned towards the bartender and ordered another beer for them. “But no.” 

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.” Kalinda waited until they got their glasses and pushed one of them to Alicia. “How are your kids doing? Are they all right?”

“Yes, they’re great.” Alicia involuntarily straightened her back. She was so proud of her children. Both of them had found their way, even if had taken them a while, especially Grace. “I’m actually staying at Zach’s place during the conference,” she explained. “He lives in Greenwich Village with his wife and his son Tyler. Cora is a computer scientist, like him, and creates new software for big companies. I don’t understand anything of what they’re doing, but they obviously love their jobs. Tyler is more interested in girls, though, than in computers.” 

“How old is he?”

“He’s fifteen and I’m meeting his girlfriend tonight.”

“They’re hopefully not waiting for you right now, are they?”

“No, I called Zach right after the workshop.”

“That’s good to know.” Kalinda leaned further on the counter to evade a drunken guest who passed by behind their backs. “And Grace?”

“Grace is a teacher and lives in a city near Paris. She fell in love with a Frenchman and I only see her once or twice a year. But we talk almost every week and I get new pictures of their two girls regularly.”

“Sounds like both of your kids are doing well.”

“Yes, they are.” Alicia laughed quietly. “I was really afraid Grace would end up as a nun or something.”

“Being a nun is not necessarily a bad thing.”

“Yes, I know, but it’s funny that you of all people are telling me this.” Alicia looked at Kalinda attentively. “How are you really doing, Kalinda? Is it only your nomad instinct that makes you want to leave NYC?”

“I’m fine, really. But there’s nothing to keep me here.”

“I see.” Alicia sipped on her beer and thought about a moment so long ago that she had almost forgotten it. They had been talking about relationships and commitment and Kalinda had made it very clear that she didn’t intend to commit herself to anybody or anything. Two years later, when Alicia had met her husband, she had started to understand why freedom and autonomy were so utterly important to her colleague. But she hadn’t known back then that Kalinda had intended to leave Chicago and had only decided to stay to protect Alicia from her husband. Cary had told her the whole story a few years ago, somewhere between the third or fourth glass of wine at a restaurant after a glorious victory in court. He had told her a lot of things that night. “Do you believe in second chances, Kalinda?”

“No.”

“I do.” Alicia smiled. “I got a second chance when Will gave me a job at Lockhart & Gardner.”

“That’s true. And you really made the best of it.” Kalinda said it without irony, but not with any affection either. Her voice was still neutral, as if they were talking about the weather. 

“Do you hate me, Kalinda?”

Kalinda looked at her, surprised. “Why would I hate you?”

“Because I wasn’t fair to you.” Alicia averted her gaze and stared at the bottles on the shelf behind the bar counter. “Because I wasn’t a good friend.”

“You were a good friend.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“I’m not living in the past, Alicia, and you shouldn’t either.” Kalinda clinked at her glass to get her attention. “You still turn everything into some guilt-thing. You should stop that.”

Alicia smiled, caught. “I just wish things would have turned out differently.”

“Things are the way they are.”

Alicia nodded silently. She wished Kalinda wouldn’t be so _practical_ all the time. Had she ever thought about Alicia over the last years? Or did she just let things go and move on? Alicia had thought a lot about Kalinda. Thoughts about lost opportunities, about misunderstandings and inabilities, about regret and self-reproaches. Kalinda had been the best friend she had ever had and gradually she had become the most important person in her life, aside from her family. But Alicia had been too distracted to see it, and when she had realized it, it had been too late. “Why don’t you want to join our firm?” she asked, gazing at the dark red line her lipstick had left on her beer glass. “What’s keeping you?”

Kalinda seemed to be surprised about Alicia’s persistence and for a moment it looked as if she wouldn’t respond. “I like to move forward, not backwards,” she said in the same neutral tone she had answered Alicia’s previous questions. 

“Were you in love with me?”

Kalinda stopped in her movement and put her glass back on the counter. “Were you in love with Will?”

“He was the only one who could give me what I needed at that time,” Alicia said with a wistful smile. “I don’t think I have ever wanted somebody this much.”

“Are you still in touch with him?”

“Yes. But it’s not the same anymore.” Alicia remembered the ups and downs of their relationship. They had always been best as friends, and their lives had calmed down a lot when they had decided once for all that they would be just that.

“I know what you mean,” Kalinda nodded. “Are you with somebody now?”

“No.” Alicia shook her head. “I feel a lot like Diane these days,” she said, pondering. “There’s such a high workload at the firm that I don’t know how to squeeze in a relationship.”

“Would there be a candidate?”

“No.” Alicia made a vague motion with her hand. “I need to get through with the divorce, before I can think of anything else.” 

“I’m sorry you have to go through this,” Kalinda said compassionately. “I really hoped you would be happy with him.”

“I was happy with him.” Alicia watched the house she had built of beer mats collapsing on the counter. In her own, specific way, Kalinda had answered her question and for some reason it made her feel like crying. “You could have had me,” she said quietly. “You had me.”

Kalinda just shook her head and didn’t say anything.

Alicia knew what she was thinking. She was thinking about a good, straight, frustrated wife dreaming of some gay experience. “That wasn’t what I meant,” Alicia tried to correct her mistake. 

Kalinda raised her head so abruptly that Alicia drew back. “Then what?” she asked brusquely. “What do you mean, Alicia?”

Alicia was so surprised by her sudden accusational tone that she shot back. “Don’t make assumptions about what’s going on in my head.”

“Then don’t make assumptions about what’s going on in mine.”

Alicia turned back to her beer, biting on her lips. Obviously, she wasn’t able to explain what she felt and obviously Kalinda wasn’t very willing to listen. For a while they were both silent and snaps of conversations from the tables behind them reached Alicia’s ears. Laughter, whispers, the whooshing of the coffee machine, then laughter again. It was just a normal day for everybody here. A casual drink after work with friends or colleagues, just like they once used to have more than twenty years ago. But today everything was different. Her former colleague was visibly restrained and on guard, and she was too. “I did care.” Alicia said quietly. “And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t play with me, Alicia.”

“I’m not playing with you.” Why did everything she wanted to say sound wrong as soon as it left her lips? 

“You want me to join your firm in Chicago.”

“Yes, I do. Is that a crime?”

“You want something back that doesn’t exist anymore.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Of course she knew that it couldn’t be like it had been before, but she didn’t want to regret her actions again for the next twenty years. It had been Kalinda who had told her once that she was always waiting for people to give her things. But not today. She wouldn’t get another chance to make up for her mistakes. “We can create something new.”

Kalinda let out a frustrated sigh and looked steadfastly at the entrance door. There were still people coming in, trying to get a chair or a bar stool. This surely wasn’t a suitable place for a serious conversation but Alicia was glad she wasn’t alone with Kalinda. It made it easier for her to say the things that needed to be said.

“You’re stubborn,” she stated with a slight dose of provocation in her voice. “Why did you agree to have a drink when nothing matters?”

Kalinda pulled her purse out and put the money for their beverages on the table. “You were all that mattered,” she said, and before Alicia knew what was happening she was out the door.

For a second Alicia was torn between letting Kalinda go and following her, but then she gave the bartender a sign that she would be coming back and jumped from her stool. The people around her must have sensed the urgency because they made space for her immediately, and she was at the door in a few steps. It was dark outside, but Alicia could still hear the clicking of Kalinda’s heels on the pavement. “Kalinda … wait.” Her knees weren’t used to running anymore but they had to obey, and Alicia sprinted as fast she could until Kalinda finally stopped. 

“Kalinda …” Gasping for air, Alicia stopped in front of her. Kalinda’s face was wet with tears and Alicia’s heart missed a beat as she looked into her eyes. What had she done to her? What was she still doing to her? “I’m so sorry, Kalinda,” she whispered and without thinking she took a step forward and took her into her arms. “I’m so sorry.”

Kalinda didn’t return her embrace but she didn’t try to turn away either and Alicia pulled her further towards her. She didn’t know what was right, but she knew that it was wrong to let her go. She could feel Kalinda’s irregular breathing against her chest and she realized that this was the first time they were really physically close to each other. They had always been cautious not to touch each other unnecessarily, and looking back it all made sense now. But it felt so good, so good to hold her and Alicia rested her chin on Kalinda’s shoulder. Her heart stopped hammering in her chest and her breathing calmed down. 

“I won’t move to Chicago,” Kalinda murmured. “I won’t.”

Alicia didn’t respond. She didn’t know what to say, or what to do or to think. All she knew was that it was wrong to let Kalinda leave. They still had this bond, Alicia could feel it and Kalinda had to feel it too. But was it fair to ask her for a second chance? Would she hurt Kalinda again? Or would Kalinda hurt her again?

Gradually, the smell of Kalinda’s perfume reached Alicia’s consciousness and she was surprised how familiar it still felt. She could feel her damp cheek against her own, soft as silk, and the thick, fragrant hair at her temple. What would it be like to give herself to her? To touch her and to be touched? _Don’t play with me, Alicia_ , she still heard Kalinda’s voice in her head. No, it wouldn’t be fair. But while her mind was arguing against it, her face turned ever so slowly and Alicia felt her lips pressing a soft kiss on the tanned temple. 

Kalinda lifted her face towards her and Alicia’s heart dropped. She had never seen her like this. So… raw… She could see it all, the resistance, the fire, the love, the pain, the plea in her eyes, and Alicia finally loosened her embrace. Her throat was dry and she was unable to speak. _Don’t give up on this._

_We’ve tried that already and it didn’t work,_ Kalinda’s eyes seemed to say.

_Yes, but things were different then._

“Why?” Kalinda’s voice was cracking a little bit.

Alicia hesitated. What was she supposed to say? That she had missed Kalinda? That she could see more clearly now? “Will you be at the conference tomorrow?” she asked instead. 

“Yes. We’ll be there until Sunday.”

“Can you give us two days to find out if this is worth a try?”

Alicia held her breath when Kalinda looked away. All she could hear was the blood rushing through her veins. She knew what Kalinda was thinking, why she was hesitating. 

Time extended and seconds felt like eternities when she felt Kalinda’s hand at her cheek and her lips on her mouth. “Are you ready for this?” she whispered.

Alicia opened her eyes and the expression in Kalinda’s face took her breath away. “Yes.”

And for the first time today, Alicia saw that unique, heart-warming smile that she had missed all these years. “Then yes. I think I can do that.”


End file.
